Thursday, October 13, 2011

God Lovers! week two

Hey fellas! I can't believe it's already our SECOND week of God-Lovers! It's crazy how time goes by so fast sometimes. If you weren't here last week or the week before, welcome! I'm so glad to have you here. You can find these two past God Lover posts here. In the meantime, hopefully you guys read your chapters, if not, it's totally fine because you don't need to know anything from your chapters for these posts. :)

Today, I honestly don't know what to write. It's been a pretty tough day\week, so we'll see how this goes...

I'm a battle. I know, that sounds weird. But I've finally realized that my heart is in one place and my mind is in another. I'll be honest, I've never trusted anyone before. I'm the person who has to see it before she believes it. I've got to stick my toe in the water to see if it's cold or not. I'm not good with trust because I'm so scared from the things that have happened in my life, that I'll get hurt again.

My mind is always scared and preparing itself a way out,
while my heart...
it's been given all to God.
But my mind hasn't changed it's way on seeing things.
But my heart has changed it's ways on feeling things.
So they're in a conflict.

In between the battle though, I've got a friendship. A friendship I haven't been doing very well on because of my holding back.
It's my relationship with God.
You may think this is weird, but I don't see my religion as a religion, but a relationship. I believe that I can have a relationship with God. That I can talk to Him and just spend time with Him. I read about Him, I learn about Him.
That's what you do in a friendship\relationship.
With your friend, you talk, you write emails, you spend time with each other, and you learn about each other. But when you hold something back from that person, you're not showing them who you really are. Sure you might tell them about the greatest victories in your life but I think most of us try to avoid the topic telling them about lowest of the low points in our lives.

I know that I try to hide what has happened and what is happening in my life...
Even from God.
Because I'm afraid
that I'll get hurt again.
This is a song that has really stuck out to me. It starts like this,

"I stand before You, awed by Your Majesty,
Covered by Your mercy, Your blood has made me FREE.
You set my heart on fire,
You're my one desire..."
{I Want To Know You, by Jesus Culture}
listen to this song, here.

I can't have a relationship with Jesus when I don't let Him come in when I'm in darkest times in my life. I can't hide the hurts when Jesus died on the cross for my shame. I have to be me. I have to open up my heart even when I feel like I'm showing too much. Things have to be healed either now or never. They can't boil up anymore and have me constantly turning down the temperature.

I feel like God keeps on telling me,
"Emma, a band-aid isn't going to work this time."
So the verse that stuck out to me this week was,
Leave your simple ways and you will live;
walk in the way of understanding.
[Proverbs 9:6]

In other words,
Give UP the things you hold onto,
and grasp onto what God has for YOU.
I don't deserve to be loved. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve to have peace. I don't deserve to have this brokenness. I don't deserve to feel so lost anymore.
We were made for more. We were made to be loved. We were made for happiness. We were made to have peace. We were made to be perfect. We were made to be found.
We were made to be the children of God.
So this is who I am. And now I need to live like it.
Do you hide what hurts?
Who's holding you heart?
Who's controlling your mind?
Continue reading Proverbs 13 today and Proverbs 14 tomorrow. Here's next week's schedule:
Saturday: October 15th, Read Proverbs 15
Sunday: October 16th, Read Proverbs 16
Monday: October 17th, Read Proverbs 17
Tuesday: October 18th, Read Proverbs 18
Wednesday: October 19th, Read Proverbs 19
Thursday: October 20th, Read Proverbs 20
Friday: October 21st, Read Proverbs 21
I won't be here next Thursday, so check back on Saturday for the next God-Lovers post next week. :)

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