Comparing myself to who I was when I was little, I see a big difference. When I was little, I had a world that was beyond this one. An imagination so much broader then the one I have now. I had no walls, no barriers, no chains. That's what makes me different now.
I've got resistance.
As I grow older, more dreams have been taken away. More wishes have never come true. No matter how many pennies I throw into that water fountain or birthday candles I've blown out, they have never happened (yeah, I never got that unicorn. Sadness). My world was condensed to a smaller one. A less freer one.
And that's when I put up these walls.
Things have happened in my life that have, in some ways, made me grow up faster. I didn't have to mature quickly, but it almost felt like that was the only way I had when in an attempt to protect myself from being alone. So as time has gone on, these walls have grown taller and my fear has grown stronger.
My world that I created when I was a little girl began to fade.
My freedom was replaced with resistance. I've been so scared for so long. My fear is that I'll be so vulnerable that I won't be able to protect myself. I get so scared that I'll get hurt again.
But it wasn't completely the things in my life that caused me to put up these walls. It was myself. I realized at the end of the day, it's just me. I'm alone. It's the time when your thoughts join you. And as time has gone on, I realized that I haven't been trying to escape from people or things always.
I've been trying to escape from myself.
God once told me to reach for the stars. To break away from my barriers. I try. But I keep on falling down (gravity is my friend-enemy). And it's so frustrating trying to reach for the stars when I can't even reach for the sky.
So then I'm left with wondering what to do with myself. My world of freedom has been taken away. My barriers are higher. And when I jump, I always fall back down.
It's when I realize that I can't do this alone. I could never break free alone. It's when I have to tell myself that I need God in my life to help take down these walls. Even if He has to do it one brick at a time.
I have to constantly tell myself to believe. Believe. Believe that things can change. Because I just know that if I let God take control, I'll be able to wonder again.