Tuesday, March 13, 2012

the wind and the waves

I know, I lied. I said I was going to post something on Saturday, but I didn't. I just didn't know what to write. Or what to write about. I've been lost in thoughts lately...about stuff. Weird stuff.

Lately I've just been wondering, "Why?" Why the bad stuff continues to eat me (and people in general) alive. I think I get a break from it all, but I don't. It just keeps on coming. Like waves. Never ceases. Or so I think. I was rereading an entry in one of my journals I wrote a while ago and I read this (I know what you're about to read is sort of dramatic. But I don't know...I was just trying to describe how I felt):

"Silent waves. Silent drowning. Silent death. I feel so trapped. Honestly, it feels like there is no way out of this. That I will always, constantly die. Over and over again."

Everything I go through, I work through it silently. First, the waves come. Boom. Ouch. Man, that hurt. Then I realize that what happened is actually affecting me. Anybody got a band-aid? A deep, emotional band-aid? Anybody? Then I hide it.

And depression starts.

I close off. I "protect" myself. Which in the end I hurt myself more, because I block out almost everybody. Sometimes...even God.

"...he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave in the sea,
blown and tossed in the wind."
[James 1:6]

The bad stuff are the waves. The wind is the depression. The doubt are the thoughts that "you aren't going to make it". The tossing is the way you hurt yourself. Belief is faith.

Perseverance is hard. Really hard. Fighting against the tough stuff is one of the hardest things ever. And yeah, whatever struggle just popped into your head right now, that's your tough stuff.

Why, God? Why me? Why does all the bad stuff happen to me and no one else? Why do you let me go through this? Why do I feel so alone?

Jesus was thinking of you. When he was being beaten and dying on the cross, he was thinking of you. When people hated him for what he was teaching, he was thinking how it worth it was going to be for YOU. Yes, you. Whoever you are. Jesus IS thinking about you. About everything he loves about you.

And that he hates to watch you go through pain. He hates to watch people hurt you. And let me tell you this, somebody once told me that God tried to work it out with that person who hurt you. He's still working with them, but he tried to convince that person to turn around for good. But they didn't listen.

God is your shield. He's fighting for you.Hear all that bad stuff? See all that bad stuff? Remember God's with you. Always. Constantly. Remember that when you're walking through the lowest of the low times in your life, he's walking by your side. Even when you can't see or feel or hear him, he's there. He feels what you feel. He's crying with you. He's hearing the stuff people tell you. It hurts him too.

"Even now, (yeah, even when you feel like you could die)" declares the Lord,
"return to me with all your heart (even if it's broken. even if somebody has hurt it. God wants it),
with...weeping and mourning."
[Joel 2:12, with my inserts in (here)]

God wants you. Even if all you have left is broken. Even if you feel like you could honestly die. He wants that. He wants to pour healing into those places. Pour deeper than any person could. He's capable of reaching your darkest places. The ones nobody knows about. He wants to heal you and love you. Care for you and give you hope. And yes, he's still thinking about you even though you're pretty convinced that he's completely forgotten.

Yeah, there's still the waves. There's still the wind. The doubts. The tossing. But there is still hope. There is still peace. There is still love. Remember that in your darkest moments. It's not over yet.
How He Loves by David Crowder Band on Grooveshark
*Make sure you turn off the music at the bottom!


  1. OK, Emma. Are you serious? You and no one else? I've been struggling with depression since I was 13, and now I'm 51. Meds didn't exist when I was a teenager, or even in my 20's. Four of my six kids struggle with anxiety or depression. Three are on meds, and one drinks to kill the pain. My 16yo spent four months in the mental hospital last year, because she couldn't stop thinking of ways to die. When my daughter closes off, she does it to protect other people. She doesn't want them to be sad in her behalf. I desperately want friends, but don't want to inflict how much I hurt on anyone. I do see that you are talking about how Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love us, and I have a testimony of that. Sorry if I have misconstrued the post. You aren't the only one; you aren't alone on Earth or in Heaven.

    1. Jennifer J!
      Wow, you've been through a lot. I just want to tell you that you are NOT the mistakes that have been going on. I know there must be a lot of emptiness in you and your family, just remember that God loves to fill empty places and make them whole. He wants to pour happiness into your guy's lives. Don't give up. Keep pushing on. Keep fighting. Cause God loves fighters, not quitters.

  2. He loves quitters too! He's cool like that. Of course God definitely wants us to fight and not quit but his love is not based on what we do. He is so crazy cool!


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